Ooph

Anyone else want to take a time machine and go back in time to violently shake yourself awake? Hopefully not, because it's not a good feeling. Today's post is about my own shame surrounding my old behavior and a lack of self-awareness. I'm writing about this because I want to get it off my chest; it doesn't feel good just circling around inside me.

I was looking back at some of the posts I used to make on a public forum years ago. It was a photography forum, where there was a tendency to be critical and hostile towards one another, and I took it personally. In my reactive state of mind, I would often join in on the hostility and drama, particularly towards negative messages directed at me.

I was fresh out of school, very self-centered and arrogant. I was going through a hard time at that point in my life, but I was also making many poor life decisions at the time and hiding my failures with a mask of superiority. I let a lot of premature success get to my head and I acted like a total jerk on these forums. Now, having recently discovered all that I had written, along with all the responses written back to them (some of which I hadn't seen before) - alongside links to my social media accounts and photographs I posted (!!!) - having discovered that these are all in a public online archive that anyone can read, I feel so embarrassed!

I wrote a lot, and most of these messages that I wrote, well.. I read them today and I cringe. There are just so many examples of my own exhibiting of poor behavior, and things I've said that could have genuinely hurt a person on the other side of the screen, that I feel terrible about it. Then I read the critical responses made to what I would post while arguing online, and they get me physically heated! Heated not because they offended my pride, but because what they were saying about me was right, it was accurate. Not only that, but they clearly went over my head, as displayed by my responses to those criticisms.

Being criticized for my work is one thing, but being criticized for my behavior is another thing. It doesn't feel good, but I wish I would have recognized it then and there instead of being blinded by my own pride and anger. The lesson I take away from it now is that just because something feels bad to me doesn't mean it's bad for me. I wanted my work to be loved, I think in part because I didn't feel loved, and making work that people liked was the only way I knew how to get attention without outright asking for it. When my work wasn't loved, I took it as a personal attack, and I reacted by projecting my own fears and insecurities onto them. I'm ashamed of this. I'm ashamed that I may have hurt people with my words. It's a tough pill to swallow. But had I listened and swallowed my pride, and owned up to my flaws, I might have been able to apologize. I just hope now that anything I said didn't have a longterm consequence in someone else's life.

It has also made realize that my perfectionism was rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem. I didn't make perfect work - not by a long shot - but I was striving for it and cared very much about how others perceived it and perceived me. I haven't completely escaped that and it would probably take a lot of time and effort to escape that behavior, but at least I'm aware of it. Looking back I'm lead to believe that I wasn't a perfectionist because I wanted to create perfect work, but because I wanted my work to be above criticism. I didn't want flaws, I didn't want to be vulnerable, my pride drove me to a place where I thought I should be above criticism, and my reasoning told me that in order to justify to others that I was above being criticized, I would have to make artwork that was perfect in their eyes. The funniest thing about that, is that working from a place of trying to make artwork that's perfect in the eyes of others is the opposite of authentic self-expression. At least I can see the humor in the irony!

I've been wishing there were a way to undo the damage done - not just to myself but to others. I've learned it's not always wise to ask for forgiveness, such as in the case where someone doesn't want to see you or hear from you, and you're doing it primarily to ease your own conscience and not to relieve a burden from another person. But what I can do is acknowledge and accept that I was wrong, and work on changing it; I can watch my language, keep my ego in check, reflect on my insecurities and values, and practice consideration for others. I was wrong, and I still struggle, but I want to change.

Now I'm struggling between wanting it to be taken down and just accepting that it's there, allowing others to see who I was. On one hand, I'm scared. I'm scared of people seeing it and judging me. What if someone brings it up someday in front of other people that I respect, people who I want to think highly of me? It's not a fun idea.

On the other hand, not hiding my past is an opportunity for change. First of all, it's letting go of controlling my image in the eyes of others - letting go of the need for others' respect and praise. Who am I to decide for others what they think of me? It would be better to just let go of my ego and pride, and focus on improving myself than procuring an image of me that doesn't hold up in the face of reality. More than that, though, owning up to my mistakes and actions gives me more motive to change, and it allows me the opportunity to apologize and acknowledge how wrong I was, and perhaps - though less likely - it may afford another person an opportunity to forgive me. To lessen that load off of them. To say, "Yes, that was me, I did say those things, and I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I was reactive, I was hurt, I was ignornat, I was arrogant. I wish that wasn't me, I wish I'd never said that, but it was and I did. You were right, and I can understand why you would disapprove of me, dislike me. I was in the wrong, I was flawed (I am flawed) and I recognize it now, and I am making an effort to change that. Will you forgive me?"

- Onio

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